Honorable Mention: My baby will be drinking Mountain Dew instead of milk. End of story. This one will also probably make my "Top 10 Reasons Why I Will Be a Great Father" list coming next week.
10. If he turns out to be weird or ugly, I will just tell people he is adopted.
Yikes! That's a mug you don't wanna chug.
9. I can FINALLY blame someone else in the house when something breaks.
8. I will purposely misinform my child what sound animals make just for the fun of it. A duck says, “Moooooo.”
7. I cannot grill or cook anything resembling food besides serving up a juicy medium-rare steak. Unfortunately, we will no longer be able to afford said steak once the baby comes. McDonalds dollar menu it is then.
6. I will take my baby’s chubby little baby arms and repeatedly thump him on his face saying, “Quit hitting yourself. Quit hitting yourself.”
5. Setting off dangerous and illegal fireworks will be encouraged and enforced on the Fourth of July… and every other day of the year.
4. My obnoxious behavior will trump even a toddler’s behavior (see number 8 and 6).
3. If it’s a boy, he will have a Mohawk as a toddler, and if it’s a girl, she will have pink hair; however, there will be no star tattoos on the side of his head like the kid below. That's just odd.
2. My friends and coworkers call me a catalyst of destruction (see number 9). Enough said.
1. This video clip pretty much says it all. Sorry if I have embarrassed you future baby. You are pretty much stuck with me.
Yes, that's me getting hit with a stun gun with about 600,000 volts of electricity.
