I would be remiss not to mention something I hold very dear to my heart. Wednesday, April 18th, is Velociraptor Awareness Day. It is a day created to honor those who have fallen to the beasts, and to those who will lose their life to them in the future. Yes, you heard me correctly. The myth that they perished with the rest of the dinosaur population is false. The fact is, they live among us and they will continue to hunt us until we do something about it. Here are some general facts that you should know:
- Velociraptor attacks are the 3rd leading cause of death for men ages 27-29.
- Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle around its prey.
- Velociraptors are poor basketball players, but don't ever tell them that.
- Velociraptors are crafty creatures, able to hide in any location, and able to easily disguise themselves as humans, some even going so far as dressing as snooty Englishmen.
Unfortunately, if you ever see one, consider your life already forfeit. The two that you did not notice have already attacked from both sides.
Your only defense is to run...real fast. You know, don't even bother with that. Just curl up in a fetal position and hope they get their fill from your friend or sibling. Or, you could be Kelly from The Lost World: Jurassic Park and do some stupid gymnastics crap and kick the raptor out a window. If you think about using this technique please kick yourself in the face because you will never be able to pull it off.
In summary, please join me in the fight to help raise awareness and stop these creatures from killing our loved ones.
Don't forget to vote for me. Click the non-threatening tab at the top of the page and vote, vote, vote. As of now, I am number 233. Boo-ya! If I get to the top spot I will throw the internet a pizza party.*
* I will not throw the internet a pizza party.
