Dante had it all wrong. There should have been ten circles of suffering in his 14th-century epic poem the Divine Comedy. The journey through hell should not have ended in the ninth circle (treachery), oh no sir...The tenth and last challenge should have been called Abhorrence, and it would only contain a single object on a pedestal in a tiny white room. This item would be greatly feared throughout Hell and known to the inhabitants as Humanity's Bane. However, in the United States, it goes by another moniker... the Little Tykes Recordable Guitar, and it sounds a little something like this:
0 to Suicide in 2.3 Seconds
The tale begins a few moon cycles ago at a simple garage sale. Please do not look up the duration of a moon cycle, because I don't really know how long that is. The event happened in April, okay? Shut-up and stop ruining the story. It was an unusually warm day for that time of month, so I decided to take a leisurely bike ride with my family. As we traversed our suburban neighborhood, we stopped at a garage sale. It was your typical garage sale stocked with VHS tapes, paperback romance novels, and old children's toys; however, one item stood above the rest. I was immediately drawn to it like a moth to flame. I picked up the toy guitar and smiled to myself thinking about how much fun my son would have with this faux-instrument.
My son rockin' Highway To Hell by AC/DC. Little does he know the toy originated there.
I should have known something was amiss when the owners of the sale were a little too eager to be rid of it. The sticker said $5, but they instantly dropped it down to $2 without me even starting the haggling process. As I was walking back to my bike with the newly purchased toy in hand, I swear I heard the sellers laughing maniacally with joy as if the curse had finally been lifted from their lives. It was not until we got home and had our son push that cursed button on that guitar that we realized our error.
All it cost was $2...and my sanity.
I can only surmise that this toy was forged in hell by some of the most malicious demons that history has ever known. Needless to say, Humanity's Bane is now kept in a sealed chest in the attic with a sign that reads, "Take heed all who open this chest, for only torment lies within." The unfortunate part is that my son really did like that blasted toy. I decided to sit him down and tell him the honest truth...that the Chicago White Sox stole it, thus ending the discussion and solidifying his love for the Cubs.
Look ma, I made a meme!
So, that's my tragic tale. Do not feel sorry for me, just learn from my folly, and never buy electronic toy instruments for your children. In fact, don't buy any toys for them. Play it safe and have them just play with yarn and milk-jug rings...like my cats. To end on a positive note, here's my child saying something ridiculously cute.
Please excuse the Dutch-boy haircut. That needs to be rectified asap.
