The End.

     I think it’s time to officially put this blog to rest. I have been meaning to say this for a while now, but I was holding out on some divine inspiration for another post; unfortunately, it has not come. I started many drafts with the hope that it would somehow jump-start some creativity, but my brain laughed at me and told me to watch more television. It has been 10 months since my last post and I am in that same sand trap contemplating my next move. Well, I decided to throw in the proverbial towel. Nobody wants to read uninspired drivel, right? Anyway, I can go on and on, but I just want to thank you for all the encouraging words throughout the past few years. This has been a great outlet to flex some creative muscle and I would like to think I learned a thing or two about writing. Probably not. Thank you for reading my stupid thoughts on child rearing. Have a good morning, and in case I don’t see you...good afternoon, good evening, and good night!

Oh yeah, I had another child since I last posted. Surprise! 

The end.

Yes, Please.

So many good ideas, so few teeth.

Humanity's Bane

     Dante had it all wrong. There should have been ten circles of suffering in his 14th-century epic poem the Divine Comedy. The journey through hell should not have ended in the ninth circle (treachery), oh no sir...The tenth and last challenge should have been called Abhorrence, and it would only contain a single object on a pedestal in a tiny white room. This item would be greatly feared throughout Hell and known to the inhabitants as Humanity's Bane. However, in the United States, it goes by another moniker... the Little Tykes Recordable Guitar, and it sounds a little something like this: 

0 to Suicide in 2.3 Seconds

   
     The tale begins a few moon cycles ago at a simple garage sale. Please do not look up the duration of a moon cycle, because I don't really know how long that is. The event happened in April, okay? Shut-up and stop ruining the story. It was an unusually warm day for that time of month, so I decided to take a  leisurely bike ride with my family. As we traversed our suburban neighborhood, we stopped at a garage sale. It was your typical garage sale stocked with VHS tapes, paperback romance novels, and old children's toys; however, one item stood above the rest. I was immediately drawn to it like a moth to flame. I picked up the toy guitar and smiled to myself thinking about how much fun my son would have with this faux-instrument.    

My son rockin' Highway To Hell by AC/DC. Little does he know the toy originated there.

     I should have known something was amiss when the owners of the sale were a little too eager to be rid of it. The sticker said $5, but they instantly dropped it down to $2 without me even starting the haggling process. As I was walking back to my bike with the newly purchased toy in hand, I swear I heard the sellers laughing maniacally with joy as if the curse had finally been lifted from their lives. It was not until we got home and had our son push that cursed button on that guitar that we realized our error.   

All it cost was $2...and my sanity.

        I can only surmise that this toy was forged in hell by some of the most malicious demons that history has ever known. Needless to say, Humanity's Bane is now kept in a sealed chest in the attic with a sign that reads, "Take heed all who open this chest, for only torment lies within." The unfortunate part is that my son really did like that blasted toy. I decided to sit him down and tell him the honest truth...that the Chicago White Sox stole it, thus ending the discussion and solidifying his love for the Cubs.   

Look ma, I made a meme!

     So, that's my tragic tale. Do not feel sorry for me, just learn from my folly, and never buy electronic toy instruments for your children. In fact, don't buy any toys for them. Play it safe and have them just play with yarn and milk-jug rings...like my cats. To end on a positive note, here's my child saying something ridiculously cute.

Please excuse the Dutch-boy haircut. That needs to be rectified asap.

Guess Who's Back...Back Again.

     What better way to usher in a new and fresh blog post than to quote a song from 2002 in the title bar. It's been a while, eh? So long that I feel like the last picture I posted of my son was this:

I don't know why they have eyes. Creepy.

     So, for all of you who still check this site (thank you mom), I salute you. Let me give you a brief update on my life.

  To start things off, here are a few current pictures of my son.

Warning: Please view picture at least three feet from the computer monitor. Cuteness overload will occur.

Don't worry, I was in no way injured by throwing him ten feet into the air.

     I think I mentioned a few posts ago that we are expecting Baby 2.0. If our first one was Windows XP, I am anticipating this next one to be a Vista or Windows 7. Mom, those are computer operating systems. Vista is better than XP, and 7 is better than Vista. Never mind.   

     

     It's hard to believe that this next one might be even cuter than the first. Truth be told, it might be impossible; but, look at the comparison of the 20-week ultrasound pictures. 

Old Hat...

   Meet New Hat. Just look at that chin and bone definition.

iPhone 1...

Meet iPhone 5. Yeesh, that's actually a really bad picture. He kinda looks like that Elephant Man from the Mos Eisley Cantina in Star Wars.

"I don't like you either."

     One bad picture aside, I fully expect Baby 2.0 to come out with rainbows shooting out of his eyes and for him to have a radiant heavenly glow surrounding the body...like me when I was born. By the way, we are not going to find out the gender, so stop asking mother.

  

     In other news, my wife is getting fat(er). I wish I was spelling it like p-h-a-t, but alas, I am not. Now, she uses the excuse that she is 24 weeks "pregnant", but I don't buy it. I see her slurpin' down those freezie pops like they are going out of style. Let me guess sweetheart, do those pops have prenatal vitamins in them for the baby? I don't think so. She would probably attempt to burn me and say she is just gaining sympathy weight because I am the one getting fatter, but I think she really means P-h-a-t-t-e-r. 

     

On a side note, this is ACTUALLY a thing. Go 'Meria!

      As I stare at that hideousness picture, I don't really know where to go from here, so I guess I will end this post. Here's to not waiting three months for another post. Wait, one more picture. 

     

"Dear Lord, please don't let my sibling be as cute as me. Amen"

     

                     

The Big 2

     A big congratulations goes out to me for keeping this thing going for two solid years now. I guess the readers have had a little something to do with it as well, but I deserve more praise, so stop being so selfish.

     Two years is a long time is survive in the blog world. I may have run out of things to say long ago, but people keep reading it, so let's see how far I can run this bad boy into the ground before it dies a messy death. 
     But seriously, thanks for all of you who continue to read my posts. This started out as a way to let the creative juices flow, with really no expectation of anyone actually reading it. Now I have people from all over the world frequenting my site on a daily basis. Crazy. Speaking of that, the United Kingdom is ranked number two in page views, followed by Canada.  What's the deal Canada? Most of my family reside there and you have some Redcoats from across the pond beating you? For shame.      
     So, here's to another year of manly baby talk.
     

Insert Witty Title About New Baby Announcement Here

     

     Way back when Blockbuster was still semi-relevant and before Rihanna was on Chris Brown's "Greatest Hits" album (booooooo), my wife and I planned out when we wanted kids. I wanted triplets right off the bat so we could be over and done with it, with minimal damage to my wife's smoking hot body. My wife, on the other hand, wanted to space it out every few years. We planned, God laughed, and it took us a long while to actually get pregnant. 
     Near the end of 2011, my wife ushered in out the cutest/manliest baby in existence (see picture below).

It look him less than a year of being alive to reach/surpass my cool factor.

 

     There was much rejoicing and all was right with the world (except maybe for Rihanna). Soon after the birth we went back to planning when or if  baby #deux would grace this planet. Since it took us so long to have baby #1, we had no expectations of when this would happen. Turns out it happened exactly when we wanted it to. 

     That was a super long introduction to announce that I am now forced to scoop the litter for the next stinkin' nine months due to some lame parasite called toxoplamosis that can harm the baby... I mean, we will be having another baby this year!

Hooray!

     Not only is this tiny future catalyst of destruction making an appearance this year, but his due date is going to be exactly two years after my son was born. Just call me Captain Efficient of the USS Punctual. Soon I will be only 18 babies away from having my own reality show. Bwahahaha!

 Future baby has a LOT to live up to.

     Let the sympathy weight begin yet again!

     Also, and somewhat more importantly, let the mind-numbing terror of having another child to keep alive begin yet again! But seriously, I am really excited about it...and scared. Very very scared.

Again.

The Beautiful Letdown

God:Knock knock:
Me: Who's there?
God: It's God. You're turning 30. It's not a joke. Deal with it.
Me: Oh...

     The end is nigh. Soon I will reach the moldy age of 30.  For any of you reading this who are older than 30, please do not be offended...just resign yourselves to the fact that you are old. I know I am.
     
Things I Regret Now That I am Old:

-I still do not know how to tie a tie. Maybe my son can teach me some day. 

-I am losing precious hair. Well, I am not so much losing it, it's just moving to other parts of my body such as my ears, nose, back, and butt. 

Things I look forward to now that I am old:

-Being able to say, "I'm too old to learn that now." ie Tying a tie.

-In a hostage situation I am more likely to be released first.

-Being a man, grey hair makes me look more distinguished. 


-I can stop dreaming of one day becoming rich and retiring early and start dreaming of my son making it rich so I can retire early.

- I now have an excuse to leave gigs before the encore to "beat the rush."

     To prove that I am still young at heart, here are some meme's to close this post out.
 

     If you don't get most of these, it's alright, meme's are mostly dumb anyway...just like this post.

Cat vs Baby: Part I

      I have been anxiously waiting for the day when my child surpasses the IQ of a common house cat. Has that happened yet? Let's play a game called, "Is My Child More Sentient Than My Cat?"

Cleanliness

My cat (aka Samewise Gamgee, aka Sammy, aka Sam, aka Samuel Jeremiah Jenkins) loves to clean himself daily. Like most felines, he will spend the majority of the day licking every square inch of his body until he is pristine. Not true for my son. Like the cast of Jersey Shore, my 14-month old can literally sleep in his own waste and not mind one iota. Even more so, he poops in the tub and continues to drink the soapy water. Cat 1, Baby 0.

 Sustenance

Both baby and house-cat require "big people" to feed them; however, the cat will drink from the toilet if he is thirsty. My child treats the toilet as a water park attraction. Also my cat will eat, vomit ten minutes later, and then eat the vomit, so that's gotta count for something.  Cat 2, Baby 0.

My cat counting his moment for vengeance.

Sleep

According to the interweb, cats live 50% of their lives in light sleep. They can out-sleep a college student any day of the week. My baby covets his sleep as well, but when he gets overtired, he defies all logic and goes into Hulk mode. Samuel Jeremiah Jenkins has never done that. When he gets tired he will literally sleep anywhere.

Cat 3, Baby 0.

Recreation

Give a cat a piece of string and he will play with it all day. Give a child a piece of string and he will immediately eat it and then cry if you leave the room. Cat 4, Baby 0.

Waste Managment

Poop is unpleasant, so it is best to do it somewhere where you're not going to end up sitting/sleeping in it. Cats get that point pretty much the first day they are born. My child is 459 days old and he still has a cavalier attitude towards defecation. Cat 5, Baby 0.

 

Problem Solving

Human babies realize that the giants who carry them around all day will do anything for them and can be easily controlled through crying (tempered with an occasional smile, hiccup, or fart to keep the giants' spirits up). My child has learned very quickly he can rule over the household like a feudal lord over his fiefdom. He doesn't even have to blow his own nose. Well played, baby. Well played. Cat 5, Baby 1.

     Well, looks like the cat wins...for now. Give him another year and the tables will (hopefully) turn. If he has inherited my intellect, add a few more years to that.

  The end.

Fun With Electricity

       

     Let me first start by stating that I do not condone licking and or putting in one's mouth something that will give someone an electrical shock....unless it causes me to laugh. Now, I have licked a few batteries in my day. Still do. Proud of it. But, when I see my one-year-old son do something like that, it causes me to be a little concerned.

     My little baby Einstein has developed a fondness for finding the baby monitor in our bedroom, disconnecting the DC plug from the receiver, and sticking the cord in his mouth, giving him a small shock to his tongue.

     Now before you start looking up the number for DCFS, let me point out that this is all my wife's fault. It was NOT under my careful supervision. I draw the line at coloring all over his face with markers and forcing him to eat Pop-Rocks and lemon wedges for my own amusement. Truth is, I guess she saw him do it once (maybe twice) while she was busy putting laundry away in our room. Let me make it clear that she did not sit idly by as she watched him intentionally electrocute himself for fun. Clear? Clear! Ha. That was an unintentional electricity pun. It's one of those jokes that makes you laugh until it hertz. Ugh. That was bad. Watt made me tell that awful joke? It's so bad you should charge me with assault and battery. Okay, those puns are old, but I actually don't know any current ones. It's time to pull the plug on this tangent. These jokes have completely lost their spark.

Warning: Lightning may attack your heart while you are doing the limbo.  

     Anyway, after she told me what he did, I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to catch the act on film. After a brief argument with my wife, that idea was shut down quite decisively. But, marriage is all about compromise, so I still got to catch it on film...sort of.



 "Well what do we have here? This looks breakable."

"Eureka! That was easy."

  "Now for some tasty shock therapy in my mouth."

*Censored by my wife and the DCFS*

The End.

?

Walking

     My son is officially walking now. Instead of drawing out all the "funny" pop culture references related to walking throughout this post, let me just put it all out on the table now and get it over with.

 

 

 

  

 

        And so on and so forth. Laziness at its best, folks. Well, my child walks now. What takes some animals mere minutes to discover, my son has done it in just a shade over a year. Way to go lil' buddy. You're so smart!

 Oh. Wait.

Here are are few videos of him trying to walk like a drunk Charlie Sheen. 

  

     I am so glad we have video of him taking his first steps. It is something we can always cherish. It's like it is...

      BAM! And you thought I was done with the references.

Random picture

     The end.